Order One Thing Online and You're Marked for Life or, "HOLY CATS, BATMAN!"

Another rant about online shopping…

A few months ago, in another insomniac-fueled fit of consumer weakness, I ordered a “cat design” tote bag from some online store. At the time it seemed rather cute so I justified the purchase by convincing myself that I “could always use a good tote” and “besides, it kinda looks like MY cat” – which, as we all know, is ALWAYS a good reason to do just about anything (okay, maybe not).

A little less than a week later, I received the tote bag – cute enough I suppose though, admittedly, a little embarrassing to carry around, and I haven’t really used it much. Okay, I actually don’t use it at ALL and for the past few months, the bag’s been gathering dust on a closet shelf, BUT for what it’s worth, the design really does [kinda] LOOK like MY CAT!

Okay, where was I? Oh yes, MARKED for LIFE.

To continue, since receiving the TOTE BAG, I’ve been barraged by a virtual onslaught of unsolicited e-mails offering me a seemingly endless array of “matching” items, which list, so far, includes:

1. The matching CAT PURSE – the smaller, more compact version of the above-described CAT TOTE [to compound the “humiliation factor,” you can carry BOTH at the same time and look REALLY crazy!];

2. The matching CAT WALLET [to carry in either the cat tote OR cat purse!];

3. The matching CAT CHECKBOOK;

4. The matching CAT BANK CHECKS [no big surprise there];

5. The matching CAT DESK LAMP [no doubt, to illuminate my late-night check writing forays using “Item 4” above];

6. The matching CAT MUSIC BOX [I think it plays the theme from “CATS”];

7. The matching CAT CUCKOO CLOCK [not sure I get that ,“cats” and “cuckoos” being totally disparate species];

8. The matching CAT WIND CHIMES [as if I don’t have ENOUGH problems falling asleep at night!];

9. The matching CAT EARRINGS and PENDANT SET [oh JOY!];

10. The matching CAT CHARM BRACELET [with an impressive 33 charms no less];

11. The matching CAT COLLECTOR PLATES [helpful to throw at that Cat Cuckoo Clock when the “cuckooing” becomes too much to take!];

12. The matching CAT FLEECE JACKET;

13. The matching CAT FLEECE VEST [for those with a SLEEVE AVERSION – see “Item 12” above];

14. The matching CAT ROBE; and

15. The matching CATS PAJAMAS [lovely to pair with Item 14 above].


[NOTE: I only admit the following in the hope that some kindly soul might orchestrate an “intervention” on my behalf…]

Okay, getting back to those “cats pajamas” – I may actually order these, if only for the reason that if someone should say to me, “that’s the ‘CAT’S PAJAMAS’,” I could turn around and smugly reply, “No, THESE are the CATS’ PAJAMAS!” and of course, I wouldn’t be wrong.

Obviously, by virtue of that one innocent purchase, I have now been pegged as a “CRAZY CAT LADY” who will buy just about ANYTHING, as long as it has the same design! Suffice to say that by the time I’ve finished writing this, I probably have waiting for me at least 9 or 10 more e‑mails offering me yet more “matching” cat items – this list knows no bounds!

I really need to exercise more restraint!