Infomercials – Not as “Easy” As It Looks

Because I tend towards being an obsessive insomniac (not necessarily in that order), I often watch late night TV to try to wind down, and sometimes end up mesmerized by the virtual onslaught of “infomercials” aired during the wee hours (cleverly aimed at a target audience populated by others like myself no doubt).

Case in point: Not long ago, under one such “spell,” I gleefully purchased these things called “Green Bags,” which are green [obviously], plastic food storage bags that, through some chemical/mineral “magic,” are supposed to keep your produce looking shop fresh for indefinite periods of time! A great money-saving idea, right?

What they don’t clearly tell you [unless you actually READ the fine print on the back of the box -- which box I had quickly tossed in the trash after using up all 20 bags at one time!] is that you have to be vigilant on a [presumably] DAILY basis to make sure you wipe away (with at least some modicum of regularity) any accumulated MOISTURE from inside the bags or they won’t really work! Naturally this is something I failed to do, on either a DAILY or WEEKLY basis!

My “excuses” are: (1) being too busy to bother with such “trifles”, and (2) forgetting there’s something at the bottom of the fridge called a “produce drawer” that I need to open and look into occasionally.

Today I finally opened this “produce drawer” after hearing strange SOUNDS emanating from its bowels, and discovered that I had succeeded in creating quite a wide variety of colorful, furry, fruit AND vegetable MOLDS (and I don’t mean the “Jello salad” type), some species unknown perhaps until now, and some defying description altogether! (It is to my credit, however, that initially, I had ambitiously “Green Bagged” every green, orange, yellow, red, purple and/or blue “fruit” and “veg” thing within proximity of my fridge, and had judiciously placed each bag INTO the produce drawer.)

So much for the “money saving” aspects!

Anyway, since I don’t like feeling like a COMPLETE FAILURE, I’d like to think that maybe I’ve at least made a contribution to modern medicine by inadvertent creation of some new, improved strain of “miracle-cure” “bacillus-something-or-other”, but maybe that’s a stretch.

So, like I said earlier – it’s probably NEVER “as ‘easy’ as it looks”! In fact, I plan on steering clear of any more impulsive TV buys prompted by any infomercial. However, in all fairness to the manufacturers of Green Bags, maybe they can work as advertised (at least for the “moisture obsessed”) but please don’t take MY word for it!

P.S. And in case you might be wondering . . . Because I’d already run out of “Green Bags” by the time I got to the “Fingerling Potatoes” of my previous blog, the spuds had fortuitously escaped the above-described “moldy” fate; however, I still haven’t cooked them and they’re now beginning to take on a very interesting “life” of their own.

[To be continued… “The Attack of the Fingerling Potatoes” or “FEEEEEEEED Meeeeee, SEYMOUR!!!"]

Fingerling Potatoes, and Other Objects of Obvious Alien Origin

The other day my housemate, who shall remain nameless for these pages, trotted into the kitchen to retrieve a cup of coffee. Seconds later, his voice emanated from the vicinity of the coffee maker in a plaintive wail. “WHAT ARE THESE ‘THINGS’ IN THIS BAG??” he cried, a lumpy plastic sack in his fist.

“Why, THOSE are FINGERLING POTATOES!” I replied rather matter-of-factly.

“What ARE they!!? What do you DO with ‘them’??!!” he again inquired, his brain struggling valiantly with this most alien of concepts.

“Well, …. er …. Well, I….I’ve been planning on ROASTING them with olive oil and garlic – and perhaps a little rosemary?!”

“You mean we’ll EAT THESE?!” he asked, his voice rising in alarm. “HOW?!” “WITH WHAT?!!”

[I spoke slowly, carefully enunciating…] “Well, yes, I’ve been planning on cooking them … maybe serve ‘em with chicken or steak … just haven’t gotten around to doing anything with them yet.”

“WHY??!” “WHY ARE THEY STILL HERE??!” “Do you MASH ‘em?!”

“Well, nooo, we’ll eat them WHOLE – they’ll be nice and crispy once I cook ‘em.” I probably should have added, “IF I cook ‘em” since they’ve been languishing around the kitchen counter for about a month or so! … But I digress…

Meanwhile I’m trying to remain patient but find myself wondering when the ALIEN had taken over his body, as he seems to be intensely puzzled by even the mundane, familiar and earthly!

This witty banter continued for about an hour or so… well, okay, it was more like 30 seconds to a minute, it just SEEMED so much longer – and got me thinking about how we “humans”, when faced with the unknown or the unfamiliar (be it a thing, a person, or an experience) will attempt to “dub in” some logical seeming “explanation” fitting within the “framework” of our respective experiences and sense of familiarity.

Take for example a visit to the local hardware store or antique shop, places rife with any manner of “odd” and “unidentifiable” “thingies” just screaming for misidentification and misnomer! We’ll pick up the questionable object and if it fails categorization by our terms, by god, we’ll figure out what “it” is and GIVE it a NAME and a USE, just so we don’t have to go around for the rest of the day with a “blank” in our brains, wondering what that “THING” might have been!

Same with “people”. We’ll see or meet someone who, by their manner of dress, appearance, speech, art, etc., doesn’t quite fit some “cookie cutter” stereotype with which we may have become familiar (comfortable?), and we’ll EXPLAIN them “away” by “jamming” them into some familiar “category” or, worse still, by summarily dismissing him or her by filing them under some stereotype, and vilifying them because they don’t “fit” into that SAFE little familiar “niche”! Why?

I say, TO HELL with CATEGORIZATION and FAMILIARITY! Open yourselves UP to experiencing and interacting with the unfamiliar and unknown, smash down the walls of your respective little boxes, and you just might be pleasantly surprised, if not that much richer for allowing yourself to venture out into the vast unknown!

[Okay, I’ll get off the soapbox now… and go roast those damn Fingerling Potatoes.]

Before You Go Off The Deep End, Make Sure There’s Some Water In The Pool!

I’m an Aries. “So what?” you may ask, with a resoundingly loud yawn! I make this rather unoriginal statement in the hope that this “fact” will help to excuse the stray message or ill-advised e-mail I may at some point have tossed out to you, willy-nilly and without the benefit of at least a cursory, OBJECTIVE and preliminary proofreading at my end! (By the way, the operative word here is “objective” since, prior to foisting an unsolicited message on the unsuspecting object of your communiqué – especially if that “object” happens to be a complete stranger – it’s always a good idea to re-read the intended message from a third-person viewpoint before hitting SEND!)

I make this statement with slightly crimson-faced embarrassment since I, the “Aries” (”impetuosity” being one of my more “flattering” characteristics), have been known to blabber on and on about something (possibly a subject I’m not even well versed on), pat myself on the back, and give my hastily composed message the old heave-ho into the ETHER! [“Woohoo, there ya go! Into the vast unknown!!”] Then, about a nanosecond later, I reread my message and I’m left writhing in a state of abject humiliation, but of course, I’m now unable to UN-SEND it!

I subsequently make painful, self-castigating assumptions of what I believe to be the probable, gruesome consequence of my actions: to wit, I have created the impression of being a complete TWIT! Of course, more probably, the “object” of my communication has given my MESSAGE a cursory scan, prior to hitting “DELETE” and going on to more interesting endeavors!

So, on the rather remote chance that anyone now reading this BLOG may actually have been on the receiving end of one of my brilliantly impetuous messages, I could grovel and beg your absolution and/or forgiveness – and hopefully, we all learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, I’m a slow learner and there’s a very good chance I may do this again!

Bottom line, I said what I said, and good or bad, this is who I am. We all make mistakes so get over it! (But, please, if you have it in your heart, perhaps you will one day forgive me and grant me your absolution?)

With groveling humility, I remain,

Sheepishly yours

Help! I think I've Contracted a Social NETWORKING Disease!

Okay, so first (a mere 7 months ago – my, time DOES fly whilst Twittering!), it was -- “joining MySpace.” Started out with a handful of friends and a modest-appearing profile page – which has now “morphed” into its present state -- hundreds of friends, a plethora of HTML coding, links to this, links to that, Pyzam, Photobucket, this bucket, that bucket, bucket of chicken… well, you get the idea.

Then Facebook reared its mysterious [to me anyway] head! A few friends had joined up; I was compelled to go there, so reluctantly I went (well, okay, maybe I actually went “kickin’ and screamin’ [“Hmmmm, well, I don’t really GET this one .... but…. Okay, here goes…”). Of course, now I go there more often than I care to admit.

Shortly thereafter came TWITTER! [“What’s with all this ‘following’ stuff? Is this maybe a STALKER site?! Well, okay, guess I’ll give THIS one a shot!”] So I then joined Twitter and languished “there” for a month or so, just lurking in the shadows and saying … er, I mean, “tweeting” NOTHING!

Then I got a bit bolder, uploaded a profile pic, and now I find myself “tweeting” and “following” – and have linked my mobile to get a few UPDATES here and there. [Sad but true: Two weekends ago, while on a gig [I'm a pro musician], I thought I had lost my beloved “mobile” and almost died from apoplexy, lest I be unable to tweet MY updates and/or GET anyone else's “updates” on the road! Happily, I did find the cell phone up at the stage, clipped to a drum bag, not that you asked.].

Okay, so, moving right along, and flashing forward to the present!

At every conceivable opportunity, I now “update statuses”, I TWEET, I “BLOG,” I “write on walls”, I “link,” I am apparently obsessed! And in addition, I barely find time to sleep as I stay up waay too late at night “conversing” with friends in global time zones 8 times removed. There doesn’t seem to be any relief in sight!

Also, somewhere along the line I think I may have joined Reverbnation, YouTube and one or two other sites, but I can’t remember either the log-ins OR the passwords so I don't go there at all! And, most recently, I am now a member of “Living History Worldwide”! (Hey, just look at my MySpace Profile … I’ve got a "BADGE" stuck in there somewhere so you can easily find it/me on THAT site!)

Last, but not least, I am presently contemplating an imminent out-of-town vacation (plus have an out-of-town GIG in a few months so I will be AWAY from my beloved COMPUTER! [Oh, god FORBID!]… So what am I NOW doing?! I’m looking for a NETBOOK with WiFi, to take with me on the road so I can keep UP with all that MySpacing and Facebooking and Tweeting (as if the “mobile” isn’t enough!)!!

Is there a DOCTOR in the HOUSE?!!